Am I back?

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Took a drink in August 2014 after five months of sobriety telling myself it was only going to be the one. Fast forward to almost two years later and I’m drinking more than I ever had in the past. Today I come back to this abandoned blog, I guess to look for some answers. Am I back? Will I try again? Do I want to be sober? What am I so afraid of? Why do I keep failing? I just don’t know. All I do know is that although, I am a female, alcohol has me by the fucking balls and won’t let go. Maybe I’ll try again.

Fourth of July-My Freedom Feels Compromised

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Ah, it has been almost FOUR fabulous months since I last took a drink. Things have been going swimmingly, so much so I have not felt the need to come back here to my sobriety blogs. As much as I do enjoy the sobriety blogs I read here and I appreciate greatly how much they had helped me in the beginning weeks of my sober venture, I have not felt compelled to come back here. I guess I thought I did not need to come here anymore. I did not feel I was cured, lord knows I am not the dense and I do know one is never truly cured from alcoholism. I just felt I did not have to think about alcohol anymore. Out of site, out of mind.

That is until today. I feel like crying I want to drink SO BAD today. I woke up wanting to drink. I want booze today. I want Wine, Beer, Margaritas, vodka martini’s. I am thinking what a lucky lady I once was to be able to indulge as much I ever wanted to! I’m thinking I can just hole myself in my house and no one would ever know! I just want to drink so bad today and I am so upset that I feel this way.

There is the celebration of the fourth of July in the air. I cancelled a work event I was scheduled to attend because of what I feel today. There are pool parties, BBQ, the squeal of early fireworks going off around the neighborhood. I know this feeling will pass, I just hope it will be soon 😦

Now This is MY Kinda Martini!

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However low I was yesterday, today I wake so grateful I chose not to drink and am not hungover and depressed. Have a bit of a headache though, I am eating way too much sugar. I have let it run rampant because well I have just quit drinking after over 20 some years so what’s a little sugar right? I have read this is a common issue in other sobriety blogs as well. Not liking how it makes me feel not so great the next morning. So I will slowly start to ween off the sugar.
Although I am a day late I started the Oprah & Deepak 21 Meditation https://chopracentermeditation.com/ this morning. Feeling rather centered and a bit blissful and ready to tackle the rest of the day. Things will be okay. Also drinking some Chocolate Raspberry Torte coffee with almond milk. (no sugar and it’s fantastic!)

Escape from Alcohol or Myself?

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It has been over 5 weeks of sobriety for me now. There were some very big highs and this week some very low lows. I cannot express enough how much I actually do not miss the booze itself, it’s almost alarming how that is not even the issue, so far anyway. It’s almost as if I am not an alcoholic at all, but just very bad at life. I’m a mess again, sort of. Me and my boyfriend of 4 years seem to have bit the bullet. We said some pretty ugly stuff to one another, stuff that cannot be taken back. He was buzzing/drinking and I was sober. My anger, it seems still has quite a hold of me. He told me I suck drunk and sober. That sucked.

I suppose I should be very grateful that I was not drunk during this fight. I would have left his apartment to catch a cab or a bus intoxicated (which I have done SO many times), I do not own my own car because I have two DUIs and have lost my license to drive, it has been several years now that I have not driven a car. I did not trust myself all these years to risk getting my license back and receiving a third DUI just to be carted off to prison for 3 to 5 years. Did I just write a paragraph earlier that “it’s almost as if I am not an alcoholic at all.” ? Ha! ooooh the booze has a sneaky sneaky way of manipulating.

But since I have not been drinking or even miss drinking I am sad to see that my life is kinda shitty. I’ll be 40 soon and I am alone. AGAIN. No husband, no children… no car. I feel like a HUGE loser. Wait, am I having a pity party for myself? I must be. After all these years of drinking I have a lot of cleaning up to do. I guess I cannot expect that once I finally did give it up all would be rosy. I guess I knew deep down that once I quit there would be trouble in “paradise” for my boyfriend and I. I am an awful drunk, but I have no tolerance for when other people who I love drink. Practically everyone I know is a shitty mean drunk, very few are fun and light. Does my intolerance make me a hypocrite? My mom says that what I need to do now is find a sober life. I have never had a sober life. I don’t have any sober chums. The people that I do know that are sober I have kept at a distant because I feel like such a weirdo around them. I am extremely antisocial but yearn for companionship at the same time. I feel so awkward around people at times that I cannot wait to get home and be alone. Then I am so lonely I think I’d die if it weren’t for my dog’s company. No wonder the boyfriend was so frustrated. He is no saint, but I have to admit I am so much work. So many issues, darkness, anger, confusion. I’m sick of myself too.

I need to remember that it is one day at a time. When I am feeling good and hopeful I feel like I am just sprouting my new self. Still just a little patch of green and I need all the tenderness and care I can muster. I have many beautiful people helping and encouraging this journey, I just can’t help feeling sad for the ones that can’t or do not want to accompany me.

Smashed

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Although it took me a year after watching this movie to finally quit drinking, this movie struck a chord with me. Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s portrayal of a young alcoholic woman is spot on. It reminded me of  myself  in my 20’s and  early 30’s. I always seemed to pick men that were also alcoholics, I realize now that was no accident. I would get mad at them and feel betrayed  when I felt I was ready to get my act together and they weren’t. I believed they did not love me because they would not quit with me. I never wanted to be alone, so the drinking continued. I guess I was waiting for someone to save me. I know now, no one can save you, but people can definitely help you. This movie helped to open my eyes to a life I was wasting.

 

3 1/2 weeks ya’ll! I am so happy I have made this decision and it looks like I’ll be sticking to it!

TWO WEEKS

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Jeeze, this has been the longest two weeks! Soooo many emotions, discoveries, tears and smiles.  My mom is checking up on me daily, being supportive, but I know she is nervous for me. My dad just called to say he was proud of me, VERY proud of me. Happy tears streamed down my face. I was beaming after we hung up. I bought my parents a Keurig coffee maker with some of the money I have saved from not drinking. They were over joyed. This IS worth it. This IS so worth it. Living sober can be like finding that diamond in the rough, but once you find it it shines so bright. Getting shit faced is not worth my diamond. Thank you for this blog and fellow bloggers, so blessed to have found this.

No alcohol, but what is all this other bullshit?

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It’s been a week since I last wrote. Today is my Friday the 13th, 13 days sober. Woo hoo. I am really happy to be 13 days sober, but I have to admit I am depressed. Or maybe not depressed, sad? anxiety ridden? Scared? I have been left to deal with EVERY emotion on such a high scale that I can’t really say how I feel. I am on emotional overload.

Let’s see if I can break it down. Ok, so I had my first visit with my therapist on the 13th. I was of course nervous, but I laid down as many cards as I could spit out!  We went through all my background, mother, father, siblings, boyfriend. I told her as much as I could in the 50 minuet session because I wanted to get started right away. Water works and tears. I told her my most important goal was being sober. She gave me a reading list to check out, first one I bought was “The Intimacy Struggle” by Janet Geringer Woititz. Classic book for children of alcoholics, which yes, both my parents were/are alcoholics. I thought I would have already devoured this book, but I haven’t gotten past chapter one. I am in such a hurry to get better that I think I am giving myself anxiety and I cannot read when I have anxiety. UGH.

So after I tearfully explained most of my problems  she said, “Wow, no wonder you drank. You have been in a lot of pain for a really long time.” That made me cry even more. It did feel good to hear that. Sometimes I think people downgrade their pain because they feel selfish for feeling so much when the rest of world is going through much worse, or they feel guilty for giving so much attention to their pain and have no real understanding on how to make it stop. She made me feel hopeful that we will get through this and find ways to heal. Along with the reading material she suggested I take vitamin b12 (which I have taken in the past and will say it is effective in giving me a “happy” feel) and omega fatty acids. She explained that there are medications I can take, all the run of the mill prescription pills, but right now I honestly do not want to take anything. I want to see if I can do this naturally. One thing that I have not started doing yet is exercising which I know can do wonders.

I guess what I am trying to get at is, I am shocked that the start of this journey has very little to do with alcohol. I have not craved any, I have not really given much thought to it (maybe an occasional, “damn I need a beer right now”), I have stayed away from all social settings where alcohol is present, this I know I am not strong enough to deal with yet. I am grateful that I have not experienced any ugly will power struggles. I guess I imagined a sweaty me being strapped down to a hospital bed after a fit in front of the wine selection at the local Walgreens after about a week of not drinking. I am just here with my thoughts and emotions, completely alone. No buffers, no bullshit and no booze. It sucks, but I am determined to look at my problems square in the face and learn how to deal with this shit. Sober.

Therapy-going for the big gun

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Last night was not a very good night, not a very bad one either though (I did not drink). I couldn’t sleep and was having anxiety. I have an appointment to see a therapist today. I guess I’m a little nervous about it. I have seen a therapist before, but only for a few weeks. I have been to two other counselors in the past and although I feel they were beneficial, I still continued to drink. I know now there is no easy fix. You can’t go see someone a few times and hope they have the magic answers. A friend of mine suggested I try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Not sure exactly what it is, something to do with retraining my thoughts to think rationally. Drinking for me is not rational. I have wildly irrational thoughts about drinking.

I have been voraciously reading sobriety blogs. I can see how they can definitely help in this journey. I punched in something on the first day along the lines of … can’t stop drinking or please help me stop drinking… and  unpickled popped up on the internet. I loved that name so I went to the site. I read her incredibly transporting blog all night long and it instantly inspired me to start my own. Last night I found the wildly popular Mrs D Is Going Without  and this blog helped sooth my anxiety about quitting. Mrs. D is hilarious, light and insightful. I hope one day my blog will show case my own sense of humor, but at this starting point I’m all gloomy and petrified. But I am ever so grateful for all these sobriety blogs out there, I have been poking through quite a few and honestly they are helping me see this does not have to be so gloomy or scary. 🙂